I’m Available to Edit the New Yorker

By Richard Weems

Published May 1st, 1999

Tina Brown’s resigned.
-from an e-mail by Kevin McGowin


New Editor Debut Issue
January 1, 2000


     


SAME OLD MAIL FROM 1962
…………………………………………….		 7

GOINGS DOWN IN DA TOWN…………………………………………….		 8

JUST TALK…………………………………………………………………..		 23

Comment		 Harry Crews on slipping crystal meth on the models at the VHI Fashion Awards

Et cetera		 Happy Kwanza: Trent Lott and the NY City Gay Men’s Chorus; fun with gerbils

DEPARTMENTS

Mindless Love Zombies I Got A Better Way

Jeffrey Dahmer’s prison killer with his own recipe.
you know this guy 34

HIGH-TECH DEPT.
Cybersex: Where to Get Shagged

The stories behind the new links at our website;

Misty strokes herself
with a carrot.
 Misty
(of justrawsex.com)		 36

SLUTS A GO-GO

Cheever, Salinger, Barthelme…Yeah, I Had ‘Em

A New Yorker literary groupie tells all.
 Anonymous 38

IN HIS OWN WORDS
Let’s Have It Out, Already

Tom comes clean (not really) about his masturbatory

fantasies. (Nude photos of Robert Crumb by

Ellis Schnitzel.)
Tom Wolfe		 42

IN ANOTHER’S WORDS

Being on This Side of the Fence

(as told to Madame Bench)

There aren’t nearly enough drugs to

prepare you for this.
William S. Burroughs		 62

FICTION
“Spam”

Spam
Gordon Lish		 68

THOSE DAMN CRITICS

The Art World
“I Cut My Finger and It Sold”
Jasper Johns		 69

Musical Events
Roxy Carmichael who?		 Kenny G
72

Literary

“Getting porcelained: 100 ways you, your cherished

portrait of Peter O’Toole, a copy of The Stunt Man

and a bottle of banana liqueur can spend many a sleep-

less night”

(literary excerpts given by permission of
Knopf)
Robert Downey, Jr.		 76

POEM

“I Wonder. I Wonder. I Wonder Why I Wonder.

I Wonder Why I Wonder Why I Wonder Why

I Wonder.”
Richard P. Feynman		 46

THE BACK PAGE
The Koans of Yogi Berra
99

COVER		 Demi Moore in Nothing but a Hockey Jersey, Her Soft-Milk Rump
Exposed in Exquisite Three-Quarter Profile, Her Left Hand Fondling a
Goat, Her Right Hand Peeling a Tangerine With Expert (And Experienced)
Care, by Bruce Willis

DRAWINGS		 The Editor, the Editor, the Editor, the Editor, the Editor,
Shel Silverstein, the Editor, the Editor, the Editor.


THE NEW NEW YORKER utilizes no subscriptions. Send no money. Your
first issue is free, the others depending on how bad is your need. We
envision hungry literae lining up with hungry eyes, waiting for their
New Yorker connection to cut them deals. “Hey, dese tings gotta come
all de way from New Yauk, man,” he tells them, swiping dreds from his
steely gaze. We envision literae, black berets in-hand, tapping their
feet every time they think they hear that gleaming New Yorker truck
coming down the alley…

About the Author
Richard Weems still teaches in Philadelphia. There are many reputable gyro stands that can back this information up. He is teaching once again this MLK weekend at the Winter Poetry & Prose Getaway in Cape May, New Jersey.
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