So this is America, the land of opportunity, a place where anyone can earn a decent living if they only work hard and don’t give up.

This is the Amerimyth, a fantasy from our adolescent, post-revolutionary period. In clinging to our national mythology we stifle our ability to grow as a country, but in letting go of our outdated dreams we also lose part of what it means to be American. For a country that has a muddled definition of national identity at best, a decision of this magnitude is not one that we can afford to make in haste or without forethought. If we lose our identity as a nation we also lose a bit of our individual selves, and we become powerless to explain to outsiders just what it means to be American.

In America we have a different view of work than in other countries. Perhaps it is because of our westward expansion and our daily exposure to the harsh realities of nature that lead us to see work as less of an art and more of a necessity. Work can best be described as the common man’s art. Like the artist, the worker puts something of himself into everything he does on the job. Like the artist, the worker secretly hopes that she can make a lasting impact on someone’s life or leave her mark on the world with what she’s done. In a country of shopping malls and fast food joints, where speed and low prices take priority over workmanship and pride in one’s work, its no surprise that Americans have lost touch with the artistic side of work.

We Americans trudge through jobs we hate because we have to pay the bills. It seems ridiculous to think of a short order cook as having pride in flipping burgers in a greasy café somewhere in the middle of nowhere, but here, in America, we at least have the ability to move up the social ladder if we just work hard.

Or do we?

The myth of American social mobility came from the large expanse of that never-never land called the West. Because there was too much land for the small number of nobility who landed on Plymouth Rock to exert control over they could afford to elevate some of the commoners into the status of the elite. Now, every man could become the lord of the manner with his farm as castle, his crop as his treasury and his family as his subjects. The American dream was born. With the closing of the frontier in 1890 the large expanse of land was gone, and that could only mean that the freedom which had grown from this land’s existence would begin to be stifled, ultimately extinguished.

The spirit of America rests on a foundation of broken dreams, promises, and people who have staked all they had in life on the possibility that the rumors of the good life just might be true. Ironically this hardship has made us the people we are. We are tough, independent, wise to a con when we hear one (for the most part), trusting in God for providence, good neighbors, and tenaciously hard workers. And because of the existence of the Amerimyth we are a hopeful, optimistic people. This is the legacy of our mythology, both the good and the evil. Like all myths it is a combination of both truth and the dreams of the people who helped to create it, and in losing these, our myths, we lose ourselves and our dreams. The death of dreams, in my opinion, is far worse than the existence of the lies that these dreams helped to create. Our unique view of work helps us to go forward, day to day, toiling away at jobs we hate in hopes of the realization of our American dreams.

Americans have a history of violence. We fought for independence, we fought with countless other countries over our two centuries of existence, and when we ran out of other people to fight we fought ourselves in one of the bloodiest civil wars in history. We’ve also had an amazing history of crime, both organized and petty. During prohibition in the 1920’s crime bosses battled with each other over turf and with the FBI over the fact that their selling of alcohol was illegal. Even today we see this violence with respect to the frequent drive-by shootings reported in any number of newspapers in major American cities almost on a daily basis (Washington D.C. is known as the murder capitol of the world for just this reason). And America has also been the home of countless serial killers over the centuries.

The political and social arenas have also been places where Americans have used violence to achieve their goals. Skinheads, Nazis and the KKK have all used terror tactics and violence to promote their beliefs of white supremacy and keep blacks in what they considered inferior positions in society. Labor unions fighting for better working environments and benefits have been violently dealt with by both labor bosses and the U.S. government. Even peaceful demonstrations such as those during the Vietnam War have been violently put down by the army and the National Guard. These examples prove that Americans not only use violence to reach their goals, but that they also condone it as a useful means of doing so.

The history of sports is also a good indicator of the violent nature of Americans. This is also where my friend and I got into it. I said Americans don’t like watching boring sports like golf, bowling, and baseball. “They’ve been replaced by the new American sports like football, hockey, and wrestling (if you can call wrestling a true sport).” I argued that the reason attendance was so low at baseball games was that Americans like the fighting and contact in the other sports, and she had nothing to say except that baseball still has many loyal fans. Bowling has recently been taken off the air because nobody would watch it. The only exception to the dating of older American sports is boxing which has survived because of its violent nature. This trend of changing interests in our national pastimes is a direct indication of our progress or lack of progress of our society.

As our country has become more stable we have looked to the sports arenas for an outlet for satisfying our need of violence. Baseball was big because it was a leisurely retreat from an otherwise violent society. After the world wars, the quelling of the acceptance of racism, and the stabilizing of our labor system Americans needed an outlet for their need of violence, this was found in the new wave of American sports. This new wave of sports is also a sign of both a lack of progress and a probable peaking of our society. Whether we go forward or back from here is not only up to us but also perhaps up to our inner demons that subconsciously keep us longing for the next battle.

Of course when I get to work I’ll be hit with a million stupid questions like where are the cliff notes I have a test over Moby Dick tomorrow? Or questions like my all time favorite from some dumb ass jock “do you have any books on the use of anabolic steroids?” Hello?! Isn’t that crap supposed to be illegal? Then there are those brilliant minds that believe that Oprah is the be all and end all of book recommendations. Or what about the best sellers list? If a foreigner looks at this list he would have to believe that we are a nation of Leonardo DeCaprio worshippers (What am I saying? We are!) I believe that best sellers should be charted by which books are most frequently stolen from bookstores. If a person is willing to go to jail for a book it must be pretty damn good.

But why am I getting bummed out so early in the day? I haven’t even made it to work yet. HONK! You asshole redneck bastard. Oh yea! That’s what I want a Ford truck that stands about 6 feet above the ground. That way I could drive around and cut people off as I intimidate them with the size of my piece of shit automobile. Or better yet I could lower my car to about 3 inches off the ground and jack out my tires about a foot outside the wheel wells of my car. That way when I hit speed bumps I can hear that lovely sound of asphalt scraping against the underside of my car. I could even put in some hydraulics so I can bounce my car up and down to impress all the passers by.

I guess What I’m really pissed off about is the senselessness of it all. Here we are working our asses off just to make ends meet so we can retire when we’re too old to enjoy not having to work anyway. We are a country of workers; we are identified in society by our occupation and, when we’re tossed out of the machine like an old cog, we find ourselves bored to tears not knowing what to do with all our time. The bums on the street are the only ones to see the real stupidity of it all. Only they have the balls to stand up and give society the big fat middle finger while trying to drink away the reality that death will equalize us all. Fuck it all! At least there’s vacation and at long last bookstores. One last check of the hair, tie on strait? O.K. here we go again…..

First of all lets talk about Watergate. Here we have a bunch of bungling burglars who try to screw up a sure second term for a president who doesn’t need any help. The only thing Nixon did was lie about knowing that his men were involved with such activities. He probably knew nothing about the break-in when it happened. When he did find out he lied instead of coming to the people and saying “Look, my men screwed up, I didn’t know anything about it but I promise we will investigate this matter and make sure it never happens again.”

Now lets take a look at Clinton. Here we find a bunch of women coming forward to accuse a governing president of asking for and or receiving sexual favors. Shhh, If you’re quiet enough you can here the Right Wing Republicans whining, “But he lied about it under oath!” So what, hello?! He’s married, he’s the president, and at the time he was up for re-election. Anyone with common sense would have done the same thing Clinton did. So what if he got his dick sucked by half the White House staff? Our saintly J.F.K. was screwing Marilyn Monroe right on the desk of the Oval Office (way to go Mr. President!) Look, the fact is that extra-marital affairs are nothing new. The French are looking over here and shrugging their shoulders wondering what the big deal is and in Brazil a public official who did what Clinton did would have found his popularity ratings going through the roof. We elected Clinton to run the country, we re-elected him because he helped give us jobs and put money in our pockets. We did not hire him as a role model. Nobody gets to the highest office in the land without breaking some rules and making some enemies and it looks like some of Clinton’s enemies are making a mad dash for a piece of the presidential pie. In my opinion the only thing Clinton is guilty of is taking these risks with ugly women. At least let the girl be worth getting caught over.

So, on one hand you have the a liar who lied about knowing anything and, on the other hand you have a liar who lied out of common sense. The only connection as far as I can see is the fact that both men lied. So, now that we’ve found a similarity let’s talk about impeachment shall we? For those of us who were alive during Nixon’s terms in office we can remember the terrible war in Vietnam and the death tolls rising. There was protest after protest and one anti-war demonstration after another. Combine this along with a crappy economy and you have the makings for a lot of anger and resentment towards the one person the country holds responsible for these issues. Clinton’s term finds the country in unprecedented economic activity. The economy is doing better than it has done in a long time. People have jobs, financial security now and the ability to save for the future. The bottom line is that Nixon faced impeachment and resigned because the economy sucked. People were just looking for any reason to get rid of the man who they thought screwed it all up. For the same reason Clinton will never face impeachment proceedings.

It all boils down to a simple formula for success. Financial Security for Voters = Reelection. This formula explains why Nixon left office and why we should stop wasting our tax dollars finding out whether or not Clinton got a blowjob. I see this ridiculous conversation as evidence of the boomer generation’s fixation and longing for the “glory days” of their youth before the government put a stop to the free-for-all disregard for authority. The boomers should know better than anyone that power often corrupts and that looking for saints in the city of sinners is a waste of time and effort. No, I don’t understand the obsession with Clinton either. Politicians in this county are commonly equated with corruption. This is the nature of the political beast and the sooner we grow up and accept it the sooner we can start using our tax money for more worthwhile endeavors.

I guess the main differences between men and women (other than the obvious) hit me immediately after I became engaged to my wife. While she ran around booking the church, reception, photographer, and florist, I was just shaking my head in agreement and silently hoping that the day would be here soon so all of this madness would be over. She was hoping the wedding day would be here soon as well but for different reasons. Because I had little to do with the wedding besides get fitted for a tux and show up I had a lot of time to think (and they wonder why guys get cold feet). You’d be surprised at how deeply you can philosophize when contemplating the rest of your life; I increasingly thought more and more about my short life before my decision to marry. Meanwhile my wife can’t help but look to the future as she plans for the big day. As I thought more about it, it became clear that I was not the first man to think this way.

Take for instance the bachelor party. Here we have a blatant celebration of the free man, free of course from the duties required of a married man. It is if you prefer a celebration of the single life. On the other side of the spectrum there is the bride to be; they celebrate the up coming event by having a bridal shower. The very name looks forward to the oncoming event just as the name bachelor party looks back. At bridal showers the bride receives gifts to get her started on her future life with her new husband. At bachelor parties, though, the goal is to get the guy into a drunken stupor so he can bravely go forward towards the death of life as he knows it. So in general we see that men look back on their lives before marriage and women look forward to life after the blessed day. There are of course exceptions that make every rule. This is the case with the recent popularity of bachelorette parties; this is something brought on doubtlessly by the women’s liberation movement of the 1960’s . Now that we see the differences between men and women when it comes to marriage, maybe it would be interesting to ponder the origins of these differences.

Who was it that came up with the institution of marriage? Was it a man or; was it a woman? Let’s assume that men invented marriage; what would be his reasons for doing so? By marrying, a man could secure sexual satisfaction on a regular basis where as if he had no woman to call his own he would have to go out and find one every time he felt like having sex. By getting married, however, a man would not only secure sex, but he would also lay claim to a certain woman as his own personal property. A man’s wife would also fill the void left by his mother; while primitive man went hunting he had his wife back at the cave to cook and keep the home front in order. Now let’s assume that women invented marriage; they would gain a provider for themselves and their children. In effect women would fill with their husbands the void left by their fathers. Women would also be able to get someone to help with the burden of having children to look after; with marriage the man would not be able to just knock a girl up and go on his merry way. Then there are the mutual benefits to both men and women; neither of the two would have to worry about living life alone without the benefits of companionship. Also beneficial is the ability for a person to be able to track his or her ancestors; this ability would give rise to rule by nobility and a social class structure. It’s easy to see that both men and women could benefit from the custom of marriage and, we must not forget in our search for who’s responsible, that the other sex had to agree to the idea (or at least give in to pressure brought on by the other). From here the important question is how did it start that men began to look backward and women forward.

Women are biologically the creators of the future; men on the other hand are by the laws of nature conquerors or invaders. Men can at best only control their own future and that of the people who choose to follow them – not to mention the futures of the people they conquer. This natural difference may explain why the two sexes look at marriage in different ways. If there is any celebration of what’s to come by men it is the knowledge that the groom will – if he hasn’t already – conquer his wife’s virginity. Man also sees himself as being conquered by the eager woman (if only subconsciously). Women have, on the other hand, realized that their power lies in the creation of the future and, eagerly await its coming. After engagement comes marriage, after marriage comes children and on and on. These expectations come from society’s unreal expectations that women should feel a sense of loss if they don’t get married and/or have kids. These women become the objects of gossip and are laughed at and called old maids. They must secure their future by getting a husband. These two ideals might help explain why things are as they are when it comes to men and women’s views concerning marriage.

At any rate here I sit having done the deed. I have conquered and been conquered (some may prefer to say whipped) but, I have come to the ultimate realization in the end that true happiness only comes from telling society to fuck off, and doing my own thing.

The problem is not, therefore, the lack of information but the overabundance of it. How we use this new found information depends on whether it becomes a lifeline in the process of evolution or a rope to hang ourselves with. Something has to give and usually that something is a reduction in the time given to other valuable sources of entertainment and information. Gone are the leisurely hours spent reading books. Great speakers have become the reincarnation of the dinosaurs. These once powerful masters of the spoken word are now all but extinct in the age of information. No longer do we savor poetry or the visual arts. Why has this happened? What can one do to save themselves from this barren wasteland void of artistic efficacy? This is a guide on how to save ourselves from the clutches of the Microsoft empire and how to recognize when you’ve strayed too far from a balanced path of learning. It is also a look back at the days when book reading and speech were king and why they have diminished in popularity.

Churchill, Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., Henry V; the fact that all of these men were great speakers is no small secret. Even madmen like Adolph Hitler could make this list. Where have the great speakers gone? Like the dinosaurs they have disappeared into a haze of speculation and myth-like status. What could be the reason for their sudden disappearance? One theory is that people are not as susceptible to believing what the heads of government have to say. Here in America for instance our wake up call came in the early sixties with the Vietnam war and the underhanded deals made during the forty plus years of the cold war. Too many people were dying for the public to be lulled to sleep by the three stooges, otherwise known as Kennedy, Johnson and Nixon. Another theory is that the truly great speeches come only when there is a great need for unity among a group of people. Wars, racial inequality, and the deaths of great leaders can not be substituted with political acceptance speeches and state of the union addresses. But there may be still another reason why speeches are no longer as great as they once were. Perhaps the overload of information brought on by the invention of the Internet and the computer has left many people weary of the absorption of still more information. As members of the information age we do not have the time or the energy to listen to grand, florid speeches. This combined with the lack of the right circumstances and faith in our government officials has led to the demise of the great speakers.

With this in mind it is easier to understand why reading has diminished in popularity. One simply doesn’t have the time to spend an hour or two reading current events in the newspaper much less the contents of a good book. Computers have become, in many ways, clones of books. Like books, computers can transport their users to far off places and other worlds. Like books, computers can be used to express political and social points of view. Also like books, computers have vast stores of information on all types of subjects. Combine this with less strict content laws, lower cost and less space than books, and the written word is all but dead and buried. With so much information “faster is better” seems to be the new golden rule.

Right now, if you’re quiet, you can hear Bill Gates laughing all the way to the bank. After all why read the book when you can see the movie?

There are still some joys found in reading that can never be substituted with an electronic screen, like the sense of accomplishment one gets when they finish a good book, or the discovery of who done it in a mystery, or even the realization that the movie is nowhere near as good as the book. These are the reasons for reading, and these are the reasons why we must keep reading alive. In anything diversification is the key to success (just ask a stock broker), and learning resources are no different. If we allow reading to fall by the wayside we risk losing a valuable form of learning and an entertaining pastime at the same time.

Ok, so now that we know there is a problem how can we solve it? This is the easiest part of the whole ordeal; all anyone has to do is shut their computers off for an hour a day (I know it will take some courage) and pick up a book and read. There is a vast amount of printed knowledge that will never find its way to the Internet and it is up to us to make an effort to find it. If there is anything that we are lacking in the information age it is time, and just like with us, time is running out for the written word. It is time that is the enemy of all human accomplishment, and it is time we as human beings made a change. This is the way to save ourselves from the hypnosis of the electronic screen, and perhaps a way to make up for lost time.

Pif in no way endorses shutting off your computer while reading this magazine. We insist that you read every page.

Before her death — indeed on the very night of her death — tabloids were constantly hounding Diana trying to get “the sleeze” on her. They constantly insinuated promiscuity and a spoiled lifestyle were the key traits of the ex-princess of Wales, and the public bought the stories offered by the sleeze Nazis. It therefore seemed ironic that the very entity that spent years disgracing Diana would turn around and deify her after her death. This turnabout is not simply a case of guilt because of media paparazzi being involved with her death. This same pattern can be seen with regards to JFK, Marilyn Monroe and Elvis; the list goes on. Guilt, perhaps, was a factor in as far as feeling sorry for having hunted Diana all her life. It’s also possible that the media felt some guilt about printing so many unfounded rumors just to make a quick buck. Or maybe the media felt it owed her something for all the money she helped it make. Whatever the reason, the fact remains that Diana went from the slut who was seen with a different man every month to the saint who helped little orphan children and land mine victims.

Taking a look at Mother Teresa, on the other hand, gives us a portrait of a true saint. Here is a woman who lived poor, cared for AIDS patients, cared for the sick and fed the hungry. She not only helped the poor but she lived poor and led by example. The red tape in the way of canonizing Teresa is unbelievable and will take quite possibly fifty years or so (this is of course unless the church feels pressured by the media attention a decision of this magnitude may attract). This woman of far greater works got only a commercial when compared to the Diana Super Bowl funeral extravaganza.

Anyone who knows history can see what will happen next. The public will be bombarded with Diana “goods.” Diana the movie, Diana the t-shirt or, as performed at her funeral, Diana the song. Monuments will be erected for her, hospitals will be named after her, and people will make pilgrimages to touch the statue and kiss its feet and pray. Later on, of course, there will be Diana sightings proclaiming — like Elvis — that she is still alive. With as much crap as stars have to put up with, faking ones death doesn’t seem too far from reality.

We as humans feel some inborn need to deify and emulate people. We fail to look within ourselves for true leadership and happiness. Stars are people just like us. We become angry when they mess up and mourn for them when we realize their mortality. Meanwhile, real heroes go unnoticed because they don’t wear designer clothes and live in multi-million dollar homes.

There is something seriously wrong with a society that respects media as the almighty-god-machine. Media tells us what to eat, think, watch, listen to, drink, and respect. The television is the golden calf reinvented, and we are a people without a Moses to set us straight.

It is likely that Diana will evolve into something in death that she was never in life. This tends to happen to all superstars after death. JFK, for instance, went from a mediocre President at best, to the savior of the American people. It is likely that Diana will take up this same role for England. Mother Teresa, on the other hand, will probably become a footnote in history books which people will skip over.

Hopefully this prediction is wrong. Hopefully people will wake up and realize the hypnotic effect the media has over them. Maybe they will start a revolution with people smashing TVs and stereo equipment. Maybe people will start reading again and start thinking for themselves. Then again, the media will never order us to do anything as drastic as that.