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I Love the Smell of Squished Aphids in the Morning
As a married guy closing in on the age of 40, I was relieved to learn recently that modern science - after more than a decade of painstaking research - has delivered an antidote for the smell of guys over the age of 40.You may have missed the news, but Shoji Nakamura, chief perfumer with Japan's leading cosmetics firm, Shiseido, says he's unlocked the mystery of the, uh, special aroma of middle-aged and elderly guys.
Next month, the company plans to start selling a special line of shampoos, air fresheners and assorted goods designed to cover up the funk of guys who've eased out of their 30s and begun their long, slow, smelly decline.
Now, if you're like me, you probably didn't know middle-aged and elderly guys have a distinctive aroma, but apparently it's so. Nakamura says he noticed it in 1987 and has been working on a solution ever since.
I've never heard of the fellow, but the Los Angeles Times says he's known in perfume circles for possessing a "million-dollar nose" and supposedly can tell the difference between 2,000 or so odors, including the sweat of old guys. "I'm very interested in body odors," he told the Times.
It seems that people over 40, especially guys, produce something called "nonenal," an odoriferous body chemical that has been varyingly described by women in the Japanese press as smelling like "squished aphids," dead leaves, fertilizer and "a cheap, sleazy hotel."
I can't say I've ever smelled squished aphids, or spent a lot of time in cheap, sleazy hotels, but I reckon I get the idea. Shiseido describes the stink as an "unpleasant and greasy odor with a grassy nuance."
Nakamura is apparently regarded as the Jonas Salk of stench, but he hasn't been working the sweaty field alone. A Japanese clothing company called Gunze is already marketing a special line of underwear designed to inhibit the funk. According to the L.A. Times, a TV spot for the underwear shows a young woman listening to a Walkman on a crowded train. As the train moves, she gets tossed into the armpits of men standing nearby.
"Eventually," the Times reports, "the smell gets so bad, she screams, tears her headphones off and jams the two ear pieces into her nostrils."
My, but we do drive the ladies wild.
Gunze officials told the Times that they surveyed close to 300 Japanese women ages 16 to 25, and a whopping 65 percent said their bosses, some of whom are getting along in years, smell to high heaven. What's more, 92 percent informed surveyors that "something must be done about this problem." So Gunze, quite admirably, agreed to fill the void, or the crack, if you will.
The most intriguing part of all of this, I think, is how Nakamura managed to isolate the stink. The Times says he assembled 23 employees of the perfume company, ages 20 to 70, and had them sleep three straight nights in the same underwear. The paper doesn't say so, but I think we can safely assume all of these guys were single.
Through a series of tests using concentrated middle-aged and old guy aroma, Nakamura and crew discovered the source of the pungency and developed a perfume that is said to be effective, yet not overbearing, in hiding the unsavory scent.
So, if you or someone you know is getting married soon, you might want to consider giving the groom a gift that keeps on giving – the essence of unsquished aphids.
The Mrs. will thank you, and the bridesmaids will thank you. Just make sure you get them to pull the ear pieces out of their noses.
Tell us what you think. Email talkback@pifmagazine.com
Daryl Lease lives in Bradenton, Florida, where - when he's not sharing his thoughts with our readers - he writes for a local paper.