map #secondcivilwarletters

by Mark Budman

Published in Issue No. 260 ~ January, 2019

Dear mom and dad,

 

The good news: Today I was promoted to Barrister, Second Class at the 134,567th Field Armored Starbucks. They gave me such a beautiful uniform: a tapered white shirt with a black bow tie, and black pants with the red stripes (something like track pants, but infinitely more stylish.) I also was re-assigned from 136th California Abolish ICE regiment to 543rd New York the Living Wage regiment. The bad news: they declared tips racist. I’m broke. I just sent you a PayPal money request for $500.

 

Jason

 

 

 

Dear dad and mom,

 

The good news: I got to shoot a minigun for 12 seconds yesterday. It was wicked fun. The bad news: they are going to charge me for the bullets. Also, we are going to have a parade next week but they told us to buy our own Confederate flags, jackboots and torches. I’m broke. Can you please wire me $100 rebel dollars?

 

Much obliged,

 

Andy

 

 

 

Dear mom and dad,

 

The good news: Today we turned our tanks into hybrids. The new mileage? One mile per gallon, that’s the fuel efficiency to die for. The bad news: I was napping in a safe place but someone stole my North Face lace-up boots, bandana, covfefe T-shirt, and gas mask. I’m broke. I just sent you a PayPal money request for $500.

 

Jason

 

 

Dear dad and mom,

 

The good news: The Pussy Hats ambushed my buddy Charlie. Remember him? He had so much booze at my tenth birthday party that he barfed at dad’s boots. A Pussy Hat pried his gun from his cold, dead hands but accidentally shot herself in the foot. The bad news: I laughed so hard that chipped my last front tooth. I’m broke. Can you please wire me $100 rebel dollars?

 

Much obliged,

 

Andy

 

 

Dear mom and dad,

 

The good news: Got my DNA test results. Only 90% European. Better than I thought. I even got 5% of African genes, so I was proud of you (for a while). The bad news: When I was asked to check my white privilege at the officer’s club door, they gave me two tickets. Am I so white-looking? I hate you. I’m broke morally and financially (the DNA test was expensive). I just sent you a PayPal money request for $500.

 

Jason

 

 

Dear dad and mom,

 

The good news: the Snow Flakes declared their camp a gun-free-zone. The bad news: while we were singing Kumbaya, the Pussy Hats built a beautiful wall around us and Mexico paid for it. Now we are trapped, and they drop leaflets from the helicopters. What is he/his/him and what is she/her/his? I was so confused that I lost a card game. Can you please wire me $100 rebel dollars?

 

Much obliged,

Andy

account_box More About

Mark Budman was born in the former Soviet Union, and he speaks English with an accent. His writing appeared in Five Points, PEN, American Scholar, Huffington Post, World Literature Today, Daily Science Fiction, Mississippi Review, Virginia Quarterly, The London Magazine (UK), McSweeney's, Sonora Review, Another Chicago, Sou'wester, Southeast Review, Mid-American Review, Painted Bride Quarterly, Short Fiction (UK), and elsewhere. He is the publisher of the flash fiction magazine Vestal Review. His novel My Life at First Try was published by Counterpoint Press. He co-edited flash fiction anthologies from Ooligan Press and Persea Books/Norton. http://markbudman.com

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